August 4, 2009

Gathering Silence

Is God for you a dust-filled Sunday-
a faith lost with childish hopes?
Or do you hear a small quiet voice
in life’s breath as silence gathers?

You can live in the fragrance of the day,
with eyes open to leafy spring display,
or work with Sisyphus in rutted slopes.
Is God for you a dust-filled Sunday?

You can dream again of talking antelopes,
or remember giggles over mooning Popes,
to live anew each day. So why still rejoice
a faith lost with childish hopes?

Yet darkness offers you no choice
when prayer is an itemised invoice
to echo the call and chant of preachers.
Or do you hear a small quiet voice?

Love and trust that all hurt withers
in ways that leave no answers,
as you and I wait together
in life’s breath as silence gathers.

July 28, 2009

Neighbourhood Watchers


‘Hello I am May from no 46, the one with the green door and the hanging baskets. Now, where to begin? Why do they always say that in stories? I used to think it wer lazy writing and given what I read I should know. I start the day with a good romance; well I have given up expecting this from our Bill. Not that I am complaining, he’s a good sort who’s always provided but well the bedcovers never fall off if you get my drift. So at night I always finish up with a good bodice-ripper as he snores next to me. He says I’ll miss it when he’s dead. That’s him being charming so you can see what I’ve put up with.
            Anyroads, this isn’t what I wanted to talk about. It’s to do with trying to set up a neighbourhood watch. Not that we’re one of those lace curtain-twitching streets. For a start, the young uns don’t have lace curtains; they let anyone passing know their business. I tell you, what I’ve seen would make the News of World front pages. Not that I say anything to their face mind you. I always smile and try to chat to any that I see in the street. Not that many get beyond a smile and isn’t the weather lovely. Bill just grunts and turns the volume down if I start to say what the street’s been up to. He isn’t listening but at least he puts a show on. When I ask him what he thinks about what I have seen, he always says its best to let people mind their own business and turns the volume back up. 
            So we aren’t an official neighbourhood watch yet, it’s really just me, Doris and Rachel. Doris has been here in the street as long as I have-since the sixties in fact. She’s been though three husbands of her own and several whose wife’s didn’t know they were lending them out. You must have seen her around, hair coloured from a bottle. She turned blond last year but still has it up in a beehive and between you and me; her figure is well beyond a corset although she still insists on wearing a mini skirt. When she comes round, Bill always leaves on the ring to work in the shed. Well he says work; I know it’s about having a fag and then a snooze. He says that when we two get together it’s like having radio’s stuck on separate stations blasting in each ear. 
            Mind you, she never flits with Bill; I’ve made it clear over the years that he’s off-limits. Not that we don’t chat about bedroom gymnastics. Hers would make your eyes water. I did toy with her advice of a bit of spicing up—body massage and oils. It wer when we were younger and the kids had just left home. But our bedroom is so cold and Bill said oil is for chips so I started reading instead.
            Now Rachel is all together different. She moved in to the street a couple of years ago, part of the new 4 x 4 lot that can’t afford the posh end of town but have worked out that our terrace houses are nicer and cheaper. You must have noticed the changes as well. The corner shop has become an organic boutique selling stuff I can’t even pronounce.
            So it’s down to her that this scheme idea came up. I have to say that I didn’t have much to do with her at first. What got my attention was one day the 4×4 had gone and she was in an old banger- side doors crunched in. I mentioned this to our Bill. He just muttered you mean the mad hatter one. Well she does have strange red hair. You must have seen her walking up and down the street yelling for her kids and taking her dog out just wearing a mans tie—the dog not her, that would be mad.
            Turned out her husband had left her and three kids for his secretary. She has to make a living from her pictures—all blurs and not a face to be seen—and the stories she writes for foreigners to learn English. Not that she is poor, she gets more than Bill used to make but only gets the royalists once a year so has work at the local café-bar to keep things going. Her husband just pays the school fees and for holidays abroad. As Bill says though, never believe the middle classes moaning about being poor.
            Sorry I am drifting about a bit, It was seeing the strange lads who hung around the side alley—it wer built to allow the coal man to get to the coal shed in the back of the houses- that gave us the idea of a neighbourhood watch. It was Rachel’s idea as I said that we meet up for discussions, She brought it up when I introduced her to Doris who jumped at the idea a bit too quickly for me. I mean she’s my friend after all. Anyroads we’ve met a couple of times to get this neighbourhood watch idea going.
            This young policeman came round to give us an explanation but he was wetter round the ears then our Frank and that’s saying something given that he regularly comes home as yet another of his jobs go bust. Given the credit crunch, I am half expecting him any day now and have made up the spare room already. Our Bill always likes it when Frank comes back as he can watch sport and talk politics knowing I dive back into the doting mum apron so he gets a bit of peace. 
            The police said we’ve to set up a neighbourhood meeting first and gave us a pack. So that’s why I am knocking at your door. Are you interested in making it to the meeting? It’s next Monday at the Co-op meeting room. We did think we could meet at one of our houses but Doris thought what would happen if we got a big turn out. Bill was up for it but changed his mind when I said no way was he allowed to go to the Pub.
            Oh sorry have I stopped you getting on. Let me leave you one of the flyers as Rachel calls them. I’ve any idea why they do as they don’t fly. Bill just rolled his eyes when I asked him.
            Oh yes, I can see your husband calling you. I hope the phone call isn’t too urgent. Look forward to seeing you next Monday.’

July 21, 2009

When You Look To The Stars, You Loose The Moon


Taking a sip of the wine from the giggling waitress I winced, it was cheap gut rot smelling like burnt blackcurrants. This was going to be a long night: the dress shirt cut into my neck, the bow tie made me look like a bloated Sir Robin Day and the cufflinks were hanging on with a prayer. Entering the reception area, all I could see were women with arses that put elephants to shame, wearing the best that Primark could offer and men wearing bargain basement Moss Bros suits. The well-dressed ones were clearly the waiters. 
            ‘Oh Michael, you made it. What a pleasant surprise. I am sorry to hear that Charlotte isn’t so well.’
            You had to admire Kate and not just for her little black number. I had seen her PA looking out for me as I drove in. She would have used the warning to make sure she had the right people in place to keep me away from any inconvenient information about her patch. Kate was one smart ruthless backstabber.
            Giving the grade A sincerity smile and thanking her for the concern, we air kissed and I said, ‘You know how much I look forward to celebrating the hard work of staff in the South-west.’
            What she didn’t know was that I was here to take soundings about her management style and get evidence to ease her out. The Chair was up for some gong and Kate’s Kim Jong-il’s management style was pissing off a local Party heavyweight. 
            Picking the hint up, she left me to mingle but made sure that the waiters gave me the good stuff. By the third glass, I was happy to ignore the polite pleasantries of her decoys, as I scanned for anyone that looked off-message. The TV screen behind the bar caught my eye. It was showing some documentary on the sixty-nine moon landing. The black and white grainy images of the moonwalk suddenly took me back forty years.

                                                       ***
‘Y’ll get yor arse smacked Mike, if our Dad catches you ere,’ Dave said, in an awed tone at my nerve at showing up. He was fourteen then, tall and lanky with a voice still on the edge of breaking.
            ‘He don’t frit me, and I want to see the moon landing. Our Trev put the boot in the telly last night.’
            I was the cuckoo long kicked out of the family nest. Mam tried to get me back in when she could but who wants a bastard when you’re not even sure if yours are your own. Besides I was odd—read books and didn’t knock birds up. Perhaps if I was a fuck and leave ‘em type my life might have been different. Instead, I lived with my nan and uncle in the pre-fab end of the estate. Trev was quick with his fists and slow to get work so when the dole came or cash in hand he hit the bottle and then the house. Nan lost what sprit she had to stop him when her husband left with a tart picked up off his milk round. She seemed to agree with him about being a piece of shit and gave up on baths—my aunts brought her a lot of cheap perfume and burnt any clothes they could get off her. 
            ‘Wat yor got there?’ Dave asked casually but with hope in his eyes. 
            ‘It what’s yor asked for’, I said. 
            Grinning like it was Christmas; Dave rushed and grabbed the bag. Ages ago, I had promised to buy him his first proper set of clothes. Emptying the contents on the sofa; a pair of black looms, red platform boots, a cotton collarless shirt and an afghan sheep jacket fall out. Ripping off his clothes, Dave put them on to dance round the room before we play wrestled—not worrying if the clinches took too long to break. 
            The door crashing open made us jump apart. ‘Wat the fuck are yor two nancy boys up to.’ Nevil the Devil had arrived back early from the pub with a scratched face and a bloody shirt. Mam must have been on top form that night, she might have had the gutter in her bed but she took no shit from anyone.
            Pointing to me, he said, ‘Yor fuck off, yor not welcome here,’ before lurching towards Dave and giving him a back-hander as he said, ‘Get those bloody girl clothes off.’
            I got one good punch in before he kicked me to the ground. My last memory before waking up in the hospital was of a crying Dave cowering behind a chair. 
            What surprised me the next morning wasn’t the pain but the elation that it was over. No more trying to fit in, it was my life now. When discharged, I went home, raided Nan’s savings drawer, packed my bags and left that night to become one of the missing persons you hear about. To be free meant a clean break—only life is never that simple.

                                                       *** 
‘The masses have been corrupted by the press and betrayed by the Labour fascists, we need to prepare them for the revolution by working for an organised vanguard— ‘ Charlotte droned on to the usual Monday night gathering of veggie anarchists and student activists. She was the official posh totty whose liking for a bit of rough didn’t seem to extend to me but I lived in hope. Ironic given that, I was the only one in the house who actually was working class so usually saw through the SWP shite. Even Thatcher’s market liberals had a better chance of smashing the establishment.
            The phone ringing was an excuse to leave the excitement.
            ‘Hello can I talk to Mike Yatton,’ said a deep but nervous voice. No one called me Mike anymore so I half guessed who it was.
            ‘Speaking.’
            ‘Ee, yor gone all posh it’s Dave. You may be all high and mighty now with being in the paper and all but our Mam as had a stroke and wants to see yor.’
            Although shocked at mam’s stroke, I was more interested in meeting Dave again. It was a chance to move on, to accept my past rather than ignore it as the men’s group kept throwing at me.
            ‘So how bad is she?’
            ‘Bad enough for me to have to call yor.’
            ‘OK, I can meet you at the station tomorrow.’
            ‘Can yor not drive?
            ‘Cars ruin the environment.
            ‘Lardy dah, is that wat education does for yor.’
            ‘Yes, it is. Look I am in a meeting so have to dash but look forward to catching up with you.’
            ‘Well yor had ten years to do that,’ and the phone went dead.
            He met me at the station, tall and broad like his dad and dressed neatly in his Midland Red busman’s uniform and with short-cropped hair. I was in patched jeans and cheesecloth shirt with blue choker and carrying my Chilean solidarity bag and had greasy hair down my back and a long blonde beard. After a short chilly exchange, we drove in the car in silence before I asked him where we were going.
            ‘My house for a bite to eat and for yor to meet our Jackie.’
            I got more out of him about the house then Jackie who turned out to be a mouse of woman born with a duster in her hand. The house was a new build rabbit hutch filled with the best furniture that MFI could supply with a living room mock brass fireplace and fluffy acrylic white rug. I should have seen it as the proud achievement it was given where we had started from but my, ‘cool home you have here,’ sounded as false as it felt.
            Dave just sat and glowered through dinner especially at the end when I offered to clear the table and do the washing up. Jackie just looked confused and told me to sit as, ‘Yor lads must have a lot of catching up.’
            Dave got up sharply and went over to the cabinet to drag out a half bottle of vodka and two large glasses, which he filled up. He gave me one, knocked his back and poured out a second before sitting down. The clatter of plates from the kitchen was the only break in the silence. Seemingly, as the vodka kicked in Dave suddenly said, 
            ‘I looked for yor in all the shop windows when I am out driving in the hope I’d see yor. I’d read all the papers if a man’s death came up in case it wer yor. I wer always first at the door for Christmas post incase one wer from yor.’
            I was stunned, what do you say, sorry but I was too busy.
            ‘Now I get yor, not the brother I missed,’ David said, before emptying and then slamming down his glass. Perhaps if I had let him throw the punch he wanted we could had wrestled the anger away but my guilt or pride or the vodka kicked in so I just said, ‘Fuck you,’ and slumped back in to my chair as Jackie fluttered in with a tray of tea things. We accepted her nervous ‘Yor must be both tired,’ as the truth for the silence. 
            I never got to see Mam buried but I then I had said my goodbyes to her a long time ago.

                                                       ***
One of the reception voices broke into my thoughts.
            ‘So have you any brothers and sisters, then sir.’
            I looked over and saw it was the manager of the Taunton Branch. He was usually so far up Kate’s arse that you could see his face when she opened her mouth.
            ‘No, not any more,’ I said, making my excuses to leave. I had finally spotted a group who looked like they had the dirt I needed. The past belonged where it belonged—it was now that counted.

July 13, 2009

Sweet Sixteen

Written  to tackle the writing challenge of a story using the phrase the right tools for the right job

Mark thought it would be good to meet at the new Seventies theme pub, but seeing the Danish lounge cartoon murals of Carry On Viking rapes and pillages, and hearing the shouts and giggles of the Stag and Hen parties— girls with whips and dodgy looking blokes with Tarzan briefs and builder bellies— he was having second and third thoughts. Nor was his book, Best Hollywood SF Bloopers, helping. He had read and re-read the continuity problem of The Matrix lift door colours five times but it didn’t turn down the shrieks in his head of, she won’t turn up, she won’t turn up. Struggling to drink the lager—he preferred cider—but that would make his ID yell fake. Looking up again he saw Helena. From the tartan Doc Martens of her toes to the purple wig of her tip, she was heart-stoppingly gorgeous. It helped that she wore a red mini-dress showing legs promising more
            ‘Er…what …em can I… buy you,’ he said over the noise of the jukebox.
            ‘This place is a pile of shite. Why did yor suggest it,’ she said, throwing herself on the seat before saying, ‘Oh, make it a Harvey Wallbanger.’
            Mark, flustered by the images his imagination surfed for him, rushed to fulfil the request; nearly knocking over a table of lads ballooned up as Jordon lookalikes. Coming back, he splashed the drinks down to a scowl from the lovely Helena.
            Desperate to say something he stammered a thought out, without engaging his brain first, ‘Did you know that most 19th century cowboys were Blacks or Hispanics, he said.’
            ‘Yor, what?’
                                                *
Mark sat opposite his best friend in her parent’s front room. They had the house to themselves as her mum had won a week for two in Benidorm on the Bingo. Sally was one of the guys as far as Mark was concerned. She could drink him under the table, knew all the Star Trek nitpickers guides, and had each of the Series DVDs even down to the pilots. 
            ‘Do you think she’ll come if I ask her’, he asked for the tenth time that evening.
            Sally smiling said, ‘ Yes, your arse is bubble tight, and you can kiss the knickers off any woman,’ but her smile flickered as she snatched a crisp from the bowl.
            ‘Well could you set it up?’
            ‘Me?’
            ‘Yes, you know her, You can big me up.’
            ‘Why, you afraid your weenie won’t want to come out and play.’
            Mark blushed, and laughed it off, saying, ‘Not that you care.’
            Sally hesitated and then said, ‘OK, I will, but you had better make it worth my while.’
            ‘What?’
            ‘If you mess it up, you have to come round, and strip down to a thong and serenade me with that Bryan Adams song.’
            ‘You’re shitting me.’
            ‘Oh, it won’t be just be me; the coven will be there as well,’ Sally added quickly.
            ‘Lovely, having toothy Tess and gormless Greta slobbering over me,’ Mark said, striking a strippers pose of hands reaching back to grab his cheeks and thrusting his pelvis forward doing a demented Jagger impression. 
            ‘Well go and ask her out yourself.’
            ‘Do you think she’ll come?’ Mark said, suddenly losing his confident swagger.
            ‘Don’t worry; I’ll do it,’ said Sally in a resigned tone , ‘but a song and strip is still the asking price,’
            ‘Why?’
            ‘To give you a reason to turn up and not screw up like the other times,’ she laughed.
            ‘Like when?’
            ‘You want me to list them,’ she said, pulling out an imaginary scroll and putting on her best Town crier voice.
            ‘Ok. Ok I agree, oh mistress of my fate,’ Mark said, falling at her feet not noticing the look that flickered on her face as she said,
            ‘You wish.’
                                                *
Mark hoped the gig would prove better than the pub. As they walked in the Dubstep music bone-thumped as the MC riding the beat said, ‘We‘re on a boat. We’re on a fucking boat,’ making even less sense then they do, whilst the DJ, much to Mark’s disgust, used CDs to mix tracks and not vinyl. He tried to explain this lapse in musical taste to Helena but she was mesmerised by the lone red and blue flickering light and almost lost in the fog from the dry-ice machine. 
            In the near darkness, he felt her hand on his leg as she bent over to shout in his ear, her lips tingling him, ‘You know you are lush even if a bit gay.’
            Fortified by the courage of several pints and shots, he took the hint and went to snog her but suddenly he felt his stomach churn and he exploded several pints over her and the crowd. Before he knew it, the bouncers had picked them up, moved them out and dumped them in the empty car park.
            Mark felt himself sobering up, ‘Sorry, sorry,’ he said.
            ‘So the fuck you should be.’
            Taking off his jacket first, he went to put his arms around her.
            Helena screamed, ‘Get off. It’s yor fault for bringing me here. I know I should have listened to my friends. Yor too weird. Get us a taxi.’
            Mark shocked went into robot mode, and rushed over to the street. Struggling to keep straight, he still managed to flag down a taxi. He had to pay upfront as the driver refused to take her least she would leg it when he pulled over.
            As they drove off, he sat down, and checking that no one could see him, cried at blowing a week’s wages, cried that he was still a virgin, and cried that tomorrow he would have to strip and sing some stupid song for Sally and her mates. 
                                                *
Last night still hanging around in his head, Mark stood in front of the door, and tried to ignore where the thong was digging, as he waited for Sally to open it. The door flew in with a crash and she stood there with her giggling mates. Only she was dressed to kill in a black number that pumped in and plumped out in all the right places. Mark suddenly felt weird, like seeing his sister in sexy underwear.
            They pushed him into the warm room living room lit with candles and put on the Adams track. Mark nervous, started to giggle with embarrassment.
            ‘Stop that, snapped Tessa, ‘Take it seriously.’
            Sally said, ‘Here this will help.’ and handed him a B.A. eyeshade.
            Eyes covered and closed for good measure, Mark started dancing and slowly stripped to the beat of the song as he started to sing, 
  Look into my eyes – you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart – search your soul
And when you find me there, you’ll search no more

            As he neared the end of the song, he heard giggles and whispers before he heard Tessa and Greta get up and say, ‘We have got to go for a pee.’
            When at last, he stood there naked but for a pouch, he felt a hand in his and shocked he tore off his eyeshade to see Sally who said, ‘Come with me.’
            Mark managed a faint protest of, ‘It’s too creepy,’ as the stairs came in to view.
                                                *
            In the morning, it stopped being weird, creepy or even frightening, for as Sally had whispered, it just having the right tool for the right job. And boy, he thought, did he have the right tools.

July 8, 2009

The Daily Grind

This was originally done as an exercise sketch  in autumn but was then revised to deal with a theme of punishment for the Bristol writers circle.

The 6pm alarm goes off but I am up already—well at least the eyes are open—so bang the off button, put on the financial news and reluctantly make it to the shower where the sharp needles of water rip me awake. I step out of the shower and get a buzz from the gym-toned reflection as I reach for a towel. Charlotte says I look like that Olympic swimmer she drooled over from Strictly Come Dancing, except for having black hair and a personality. 
            It’s a new job today at Leman Brothers, in Derivates so have to look sharp. Given the time, I rustled up a breakfast of coffee and a little pick me up snort, then raided the wardrobe room. It was a no brainer choice of the grey Armani Jude Tonal suit, with the pale blue oxford shirt, a Vitaliano Pancaldi tie and the Edward Green Oxford Chelsea boots. God, wearing four grand of clobber is as good as getting a blowjob. Shame, Charlotte’s out of town at the Frankfurt seminar, could have been playtime. 
           Under a clear night sky, the red 2000 Mitsubishi Eclipse V6 engine roars away from London down the M40, flashing past lesser cars, hogging the fast lane—a raw testerone challenge. Inside the radio panel flashes orange; beats matching the urban scream of The Public Enemy. The outside guardrail merges into the rhythm, the on facing car lights pump back. Press the accelerator, Fight the Power, thumps out. Leather seats mould, hold, and caress. Feel the Power. 
            Jumping in to the car, I rev up and screech away from the flat. Horn blowing the granddads out my way on the M40, I wondered if the arseholes at HDFC had discovered the little time bomb left them in the Hong Kong markets. The figure bounce made them a tidy half a billion profit yet they shafted me with a bonus of a Chairman’s handshake and a tuxedo cheese on a stick night. So when you are the best, the best get walking. 
            Parking the Mitsubishi, zilch flashes past under 100k so clearly zero to hide in the shower. Riding up to the foyer, the lift door opens to reveal a length of marble that needs a guide to get across. The guards give me the walkie-talkie once over and then nod the way to the right floor. I have to spend time as shadow, to feel out what is what—they do things here by the book. At least what they can’t get away with. 
            Sauntering in to the room, I see Tom, the Head of Derivative Trading, who does the glad-hand shuffle and the full moon smile. He’s a fat, grey man whose bite hides behind large dollops of charm. One of the economic nerds is doing a bluebottle drone on the level of risk involved with the new contracts. I am able to hold my own and shape the best derivatives profile for the highest return. Knowing from the interview that he’s an Arsenal fan, I drop football gossip into the conversation. Always pays to oil the wheels. Never know when you need someone to do some off the books cooking. 
           A left front wheel bursts, the car lurches, and swings. Brakes jump and press down to the floor, tyres screech and burn. Through the window screen, the streaks of white and red flash like slow motion Catherine wheels. 
            While Tom’s out inking the contracts, I play Bond and Miss Moneypenny with his PA. Linda’s all legs and icy efficiency, with blue eyes you could dive into and breasts you want to road test. But Charlotte and I, have a pre shack-up nuptial with an ouch factor, that means I window-shop and leave the squeeze for emergency hand jobs.
            When he had finished we grabbed some coffee and went to the weekly leverage briefing for a two-way pipeline share so we don’t miss any Hedging opportunities. It’s a bit of bore chore but you get to see who delivers and whom you can stitch up for any deals that turn sour. 
           Bouncing off a black Ford Escort sends it into the path of a Tesco Truck that pushes on the guardrail, breaking off a section, which spins, bounces, and flies like a giant’s toy javelin towards the white pillows of the Mitsubishi driver’s seat. 
            After this meeting, Tom left me with HR drag queens until lunchtime. Two hours of forms and training videos left me gagging for food I was taken me out with the team, to La Victorra, an up market Italian—not a lasagne or pizza in sight. All plate glass, white tables with leather seats and air cushioned waiters in black with white baker aprons. 
            At two, Tom staggered me to the trading floor to meet our options traders. Seeing the banks of screens, telephones, and the nunnery silence, I always wish for pre Big Bang when trading floors meant what it said—men shouting and screaming prices, real paper passing hands but then the likes of me didn’t get a look in from the country house toffee noses. 
           Exploding the glass, the metal shard burst in and shreds the bags and presses into human flesh ripping and bursting though chest cavities, splattering internal organs leaving behind final fading memories of pain as it shots out through the seat and then trunk to bounce along the wreckage filled road. 
            On the way back, Tom let me jump on a conference call with one of our private equity clients and a member of the leveraged finance team. The call lasted quite a while but is very useful indeed and the client was receptive to my ideas. Tom was pleased and suggested that on the back of my input we will be able to do some good interest rate derivative business. I can see the bonus rolling in now. 
            I worked with Tom to get my paper written, which we manage to finish up, and get sent to the client by the 6.30 deadline. This was good as the final session of the day was a drinks session with a client from a private equity house. It was clear that Tom had dug in for the night but luckily, the drinks and angel dust didn’t get too messy, as it’s a Monday night. Feeling as if a lotto winner, I got away before midnight and started to zoom my way home. Looking at the blur of stars, it was clear today was good start to a bloody good job. 
           Standing looking at his fractured body, Pete wept.
            The 6pm alarm goes off…

July 7, 2009

And Get Me Home For Tea


Dolly watched the snooty waiter walk away, it distracted her from why she was here meeting with Ray after all these years, Turning to him she said, ‘Shall we let the tea stand a bit’, before giving the table next to her a glance. She could see a young couple; the woman with all her goods on show and the man with more on his back then her Kenny had in his bank account. Well not that he managed to put anything aside. He spent more time in the pub doing research for “local colour” as he calls it for one of his fancy novels.
            ‘Ah, give it time to get a bite,’ said Ray. ‘Nothing worse then thin tea.’
            He always liked his tea strong, she thought. Her mother had to put in an extra spoonful for the pot when he called round for Sunday tea—-usually if Dad was out at a match. He had his demob three-piece suit, the grey one with stripes, which his mother spruced up. The woman was a martyr to her legs but a wonder with the needle. When they’d walked out, they had gone to the park down south street. Still there, well the park, the street had them tower blocks on it now. Full of school kids pushing prams of coloured babies.
            Ray’s voice broke in as he asked, ‘Shall I order some cakes; I can get some of your favourites, the ones with custard in.’ 
            ‘Well, I’m past worrying about my figure so why not.’ There was a time when her figure had men turning in the co-op queue and her friends hitting their boyfriends when jaws dropped too quickly. Having three kids soon put paid to that.
            ‘Yes, let me worry about your figure.’ 
            She liked the smile in his eyes when he said that, it felt like she was a teenager again rather then what her grandson called her and her friends—the zimmer-frame grannies. Time hadn’t been kind to him either. His broad shoulders sagged, his hair settled over a bald patch and his hands trembled—but his eyes were as inviting as ever.
            The waiter oozed over, and she thought he gave them the same you out spending the kids inheritance look when they ordered the tea. Yes, it was thirty-seven pounds but it was up to them how they spent it. She’d put up a pound bet that the couples on the other table—all pulled up faces and fake tan—didn’t get this treatment. It was worse than when her dad found out his little girl wasn’t little anymore.
            ‘Can we add éclairs and custard creams, to the plate young man? You look rushed off your feet. Been a busy morning?’
            As usual, Ray had said the right thing as the man looked like he has just stepped out of a cloud and gave us a smile and wink as he scurried off. Don’t know how he does it. Always had a way with people. Could charm the birds off trees as my mother said. Chrissie my so-called best friend said it in a more common way but then her drawers were worse than Tower Bridge for going up and down.
            ‘Right, the tea has mashed now so I am going to pour it’. Dolly did so carefully, making sure that nothing dripped on the white linen tablecloth as the waiter moved the flowers and placed a three-tier plate of cakes and sandwiches in their place. She never put in the milk first as the snobby know-it-alls told you to do. It was a matter of principle to her to walk the opposite to the crowd. It had been a bitter lesson to find that life is too short to be respectable but she was determined to make up for it now. She met whom she liked regardless of what her kids thought. Not that the boys remembered her, too busy with their own lives.
            The tea went down well to refresh and wash out the tiredness from of the early morning start to catch one of them little pillar-box trains to London. How she’d she got into the seat she didn’t now, it helped that the other one had been empty. It had made her feel like one of them factory chickens they were always going on about in the fancy cooking programmes that her Audrey made her watch. One week it’s digging around in the lav, then another it were natural spouting. That just eating turned food, she thought.
            His deep voice jolted her out of her thoughts as he said, ‘So have you given it any more thought since I rang you?’
            She had been wrapping up the grandchildren’s Christmas presents that had been got in the mid summer sales when the phone went. Buying early made her pension go further, not that Bill left her unprovided for but looking after the pennies was a habit too hard to break with. It had been a shock to hear Ray’s voice after all these years. He had seen the splash in the paper as her Bill had been chair of the Ratepayers Association. She hadn’t heard from him since her dad had kicked him out over fifty years ago. Not a clever thing for him to have done given that she’d found herself in the family way a fortnight later. Banging on his parent’s doors got her dad nowhere. So she’d been palmed off to a cousin with a registry wedding to keep wagging tongues on the leash. 
            ‘Well I am here, but you have a lot to explain before we go any further.’
            ‘Well this is going to be painful any roads I do it so lets cut to the chase. Did you know that your dad met up with me after he discovered you were carrying?’
            Dolly froze. All those years in a holiday camp marriage when she could have had a five star hotel one. She struggled to a strangled, ‘Yor, what.’
            ‘Yes, he made it clear that it was bad enough to have an Irish bastard in the family without having to have me as well. If I were to stick around then he would make sure that some of his mates would help me on my way.’
            ‘So you didn’t have the bottle to stand up for me.’
            The anger just burst into her but Ray stood up and holding on to the table to keep his balance ripped his shirt up with his left hand and exposed his belly crossed with a range of scars. The tables near them suddenly went quiet, 
            ‘Got nothing better to do than nose into other peoples business,’ Dolly snapped at them as she gave Ray the eye to sit down and cover up.
            The other guests took the hint as she turned back to Ray, who said quietly,  ‘I did have the bottle but he and his mates thrashed and carved me up so I was in the hospital and convalescence for six months. By the time I got out you were married and what would I have offered you?’
            Dolly just stared at Ray before she could say anything; the maître d’ bustled up with a fixed smile and asked, ‘Everything to your satisfaction madam and sir?’
            Before answering, Dolly took a sip of her tea and a bite of a custard slice and then looking at downcast Ray, she reached over, held his hand,

June 23, 2009

They Need Darkness

 

They wait in deep shadows and foggy mist,

Hideous shades of teeth and claw that search

Ever hopeful for mayhem blood and gore.

Yet they say, who says? We listen to play.

No, No you squeal as limb from limb is torn,

Endured as Hell’s ever-lasting torment worse.

Even one blood taster’s bite that leaves a curse

Dares the undead to rise foul and putrid.

Don’t stop, tell more, cry ghosts and ghouls accursed

Always to roam. We sing alleluia,

Regarding your yarns of late night terror

Killings or candlelight stabs, since you ask,

Not solely as dark creatures of the dawn

Entrapped by Beelzebub but because,

Strange to say, we miss the beating of hearts

So creep near at night to warm our bodies.

June 12, 2009

The Apprentice

The night is dark, the cobbles wet, and the streets empty except for the firm footsteps of a large man. A man you should be afraid to meet in the dark but you dismiss– until too late. 
            ‘I can’t see why I can’t drown it, he mutters to himself looking from side to side as he walks to the Foundling Hospital. ‘Who would know?’ It’s an abomination with its white hair and pink eyes, he thought. It was the eyes of his wife that stopped him. The blue eyes that had loved him from the beginning, which saw past the whiff of gold lust. He hesitated, as the mist settled, chilling him and the smell of the river, rotting, dark, and simple tugged at him. With a curse, he trudged on with the bundle that was stirring and starting to cry.
            Listening in a dark, dank doorway was a pile of rags, covering an over used body now discarded by all but those with the foulest tastes. A face caved in with teeth standing lonely and hair greasy covered by a dirty red rag. Could be a farthing or two in this, she thought, hauling herself up and starting a creep towards the fading footsteps.
            William stood at the steps to the large building from the last century that should be torn down to allow progress. As far as he was concerned, old buildings were opportunities for profits. He looked around him, dropped the bundle by the door, and rang the bell. He turned way knowing he had saved his wife from the pain. His thoughts echo his steps: they could have other children, proper sons to carry on his life’s business, not this cripple, this failure.
            Making sure he had gone, Heddie ran over to the crying bundle and bent down to pick it up as the door opened and candle light flickered into the street. An old woman in a frilly night cap and a large black cape said in a tired voice,
            ‘Who is there?’
            ‘Begging you pardon mom but me husband is in his cups and wants to ‘urt the baby so I ‘ad to run’
            Having heard all the hard luck stories of the east end and seen the misery behind the lies, Grace was practical but not compassionate. 
            ‘You cant stay here, we only take the babies abandoned by the whores and the poor but take this thrupenny-bit and you should be able to get some lodgings and a bite while he sobers up,’ she said reaching into her pockets and throwing the money at Heddie and shutting the door firmly.
            Back in the darkness, holding the bundle and calming its cry with a grimy finger used as a teat. Heddie cackled to herself, ‘Got a little money-bank here for my old age’, and scuttled off to her doorway.

On that, dark and damp night in the London of 1879 began a web of deceit and treachery that would end in victory or bitter loss for William, Heddie or a still innocent child when a grieving Queen died and a new century began.

June 11, 2009

A Clown Prepares

of them from the street,
from the house
from anywhere
where you can breathe,
around the eyes,
to make them shine.

will I sleep tonight alone,
will a big-breasted woman,
warm embraceable,
enfold me,
hold me
make me rough and tough.

let the bed bounce and wobble
for the slow warmth of the night,
soothed by moon and candlelight.

Now the wig,
orange and large,
like a fire,
the fire that consumes
melts their bones,
crackles their flesh’
I sit and sip coffee
as they become smoke,
taste a sublime chocolate biscuit
as they become charcoal,
black, broken, a fit floor to dance on.

Now the lips,
red and large,
like the women
who give me the mystery
of the wetness,
the smoothness.
a joy so missed.

but what if it’s cold,
the frost on the roofs,
the crunch of the gravel as a bed,
rags for bedding,
tramps for company.
where is the coat and jacket?
abandoned
cast into the streets
naked you are born,
naked you die,
rotting meat to be picked over

if only rags,
then the ragged clown,
the clown torn,
the tearful smiler,
the broken hero,
the every man.

now the boots,
leather smooth,
a finish,
a time to dance,
lights,
applause,
the show goes on.

May 25, 2009

Crying Out in the Dark


Dear reader, forgive me for while we begin in the filth and decay of East London, it is intended that we end in hope like nodding daffodils showing the misery of winter is over. For here, sits an ancient church as shabby as a wastrel. To its north, a viaduct carries thunderous panting engines laden with manufacture, whilst running from its west, a common, once only subject to the wailing skylark, now despoiled with brickfields and the stench of fires befitting Ba‘al Zebûb’s foulest lair. To its south and east, a pustule of brick houses falling into disrepair even before roofs feel the crack and cry of winter storms.
            Yet inside its tumbled boundary lies an old oak, worthy of the Garden of Eden, with rich green leaves and stout trunk. On its gnarled bark, a face that the elderly ignorant Newmanite minister, Rev Norman Horace Lovejoy, reports as an Angel for those in despair. For him, God is a refuge for the needy in distress, a shelter from the storm. Ravings of the solitary, for dear reader, as you know, “God helps those that help themselves”.
            At the foot of the oak, sitting as if a collapsed bag of rags, is a decrepit old man with wool grey hair, skin the oak’s match, eyes stove-black, and a mouth empty of teeth bar one lone yellow spike. Blocking him from the sun is Augustus Clarence Worthy, a bear of a man corseted by good tweed. An instrument of the infamous Charles Booth investigation into why the poor exist – as if that was unknown. Augustus, holding a notepad lost in one hand, plucks with cigar like fingers, a gold fountain pen from his pocket chain before scaring the birds by saying,
            ‘Elijah Thomas Fallen I presume, bone-grubber of this parish,’ to the living rag pile. With a confident cast of the head but a rattle of the chest, Elijah answered, ‘That’s the blessed truth you are tellin sir.’
            ‘Excellent my good fellow. Now as you converse I will take notes and ask questions. So what is your day? How do you make the ready, the needful?’
            Trying to make himself comfortable, Elijah wheezed out,
            ‘Well sir, I poke into eaps of rubbish turnin scraps and rags, abandoned even by beggars, into farthins and halfpenny pittances. If it’s dry I ave the chance of lodgins as I can sort the rags, but if its wet I ain’t the conveniences for washin and dryin so I sleep out in what corners I can.’
            Augustus scratched away, giving of himself as only honest labours can, and encouraged Elijah by requesting he, 
            ‘Shoot it out.’
            ‘If I unger, sir I go up to the rich neighbourhoods, beggin your pardon, and find what grub been thrown away. When I was a respectable man, it would have turned my stomach eatin the dirty things I do.’ 
            Before we find out the sad and mean details of how Elijah should sink so low, we must now turn to the history of one Emma Flora Goldsmythe whom we meet some seven months earlier just before the first snow of Christmas. 
            Emma is red cheeked, flamed-haired, and clear, even loud, of voice and used to good walking and hard riding – side-saddle naturally. She married from only £500 a year, for love and the hope for wealth. Fredrick Weatly Goldsmythe proved to be more at home on the racecourse than in the boardroom or her bed, so she reluctantly settled for the pursuit of wealth. She used the flattering wiles of the fair sex, to steer her husband through the sandbanks and storms of commercial life. 
            All was well until the unsought blessing of motherhood fell upon her. As she said, only last month, to her confidant and friend Madam Stargazy, dark of hair and eye, and much given to the augurs of coincidence,
            ‘Thanks to my foresight we reside in Rising Street of Belgravia near its eastern fashionable edge with Knightsbridge.’
            Madam Stargazy, sipped her tea before agreeing how clever her friend was and added, 
            ‘And my dear, this house has an air of considerable architectural pretention, and all the requirements in the way of modern sanitary arrangement.’
            They both laughed at this unexpected spark of practicality. 
            But today, we meet Emma in the worst of circumstances. Following the French custom of receiving friends without the issuing of formal invitations, she is at home weekdays between three pm and five pm. So at eleven of the clock we find her planning menus with Cook who is large and taciturn to the point of rudeness.
            Splendid in bottle green silk, Emma sits at the writing desk glancing at her list. Like any sensible wife she takes care to tread carefully and accept liberties lest a storm drives a seaworthy Cook to ports that are more hospitable. Dear reader, Emma knows that social entertainment keeps a husband happy and a business smiling.
            ‘As we are in the Christmas week, I am inclined to offer wine and biscuits rather than the customary Indian tea and cake.’
            Cook’s nostrils flared. Emma knew what this meant, but before a petticoat battle could flounce off, a loud rat-a-tat-tat boomed through the house. Emma half rose out of her seat before dropping back; Cook did a surprised pig jig. 
            As Emma collected her wits, a tap on the door to the morning room heralded the entrance of Mary, an Irish parlour maid with none of the charm but all the melancholy of her race, saying, 
            ‘Beggin your pardon madam but the boy has left a telegram and says it urgent.’ 
            Fearing the worse, Emma snatched at the envelope, and dismissed them. On opening and reading, her world stopped, it was the worse: the ship wrecked, her husband dead, and the business lost to her.
            I fear dear reader it would be indelicate to stay longer; we must leave Emma to the consolation of privacy and prayer and return to the sorry tale of Elijah Thomas Fallen.
            Augustus, in a voice worthy of the rugby pitch, said, ‘So good sir how was it that you came into this sorry state.’ 
            Elijah pondered and then painfully and slowly said, ‘Once I was artisan livin in Kent turnin out gentleman’s sticks of the best quality, but machine turned wood made my skills of nought. I struggled on ‘til May my wife died of the work and I was left with the two livin children. My Sam kind earted and stout went to sea and never came back. I fear he drowned. I even lost Polly, my blonde hair red-cheeked angel by bein’ on the road seekin work. It was no place for child so her grandfather took her in and moved to Liverpool so I would not see her agin.’
            Dear reader, Sam did indeed drown but left a family in New York wondering of England. And Polly was as lost to her father as her brother was. Cast up in Manchester, she became a pale, pinched, peevish mother with a lout of a husband that enjoyed the gin and not the Lord. Both children loved and prayed for Elijah to the end.
            At last, tired by the effort of talking for so long he comes to his final remarks,  ‘Yes, mine’s an ard life. I’m out grubbin on Sundays as well as weekdays. I reckon that God won’t be ard on me when my time comes, by my way of thinkin, as I am tryin to earn an onest penny instead of goin on the parish or lettin myself starve.’ 
            Moved, Augustus scares the birds again by exuberant expression of, 
            ‘You sir, are clearly a chap that is up to snuff. Let me slip you some tin,’ giving Elijah a silver shilling which is respectfully accepted as Augustus leaves to return to the comforts of Knightsbridge in what for him passes as a reflective mood. 
            Now night has fallen and alone in the cemetery Elijah looks up at the oak tree and stares at the Popish image caught in some beam of light. Defiant but low, he whispers,‘There isn’t a soul in the wide world that cares a snap o’ the finger for me – cept it’s the sparrers if I have crumbs to give them, but you,’ before falling in to a fitful sleep against the bedlam of the darkness. 
            Let us leave him at peace and return to Emma who tonight will know the pain and joy of motherhood. Forgive me dear reader, as our tale now requires intrusion into matters that are not for public gaze.
            Emma is still in widow black for her business – and to her painful surprise also for her husband. Her feelings were reborn when the Will reading in late January disclosed matters of import. Alone with Madam Stargazy she listened with care as the family lawyer, Gustavus Jewell Ripov, a shrivelled man even in his youth, explains,
            ‘In Common Law as amplified by Statute you transfer your property rights on marriage and regain what your husband jointure assignment returns should death occur. In this case, the household contents, and an annual allowance of a £2000 a year to continue even on remarriage.’
            Expecting no less, her husband’s generosity still moved Emma. Mr Ripov continued, 
            ‘The Freehold and the company will be held in trust,’ Gustavus fidgeted, and looked away, ‘for appropriate issue.’
            Emma caught Madam Stargazy eye and signalled, as only the fair sex can, that her hard work and thrift depended on the fruitfulness of her womb. 
            Mindful of this and under the promptings of Madam Stargazy, Emma turned to the masses and Popish pomp of Newmanite Ritualists. Her house, like her Church, was full of images of Saints bleeding and pleading. It is a sorry sight to see a woman as full of manly commonsense as Emma fallen in with this quackery. Even now, the bedchamber blazes with candles and the walls are bare but for a picture of her husband and some angel mawkishness.
            Dr Silas Simon Bodger, dark but not handsome due to a cast of humour, attends the confinement and has to be content that he has managed to clear out the chamber of its attendees, including the elderly vicar of some low Church in the East of London. Dr Bodger did not hold with the old custom of household and woman relatives attending the birth. 
            ‘It will be the fathers next if we do not make a stand for professional practice,’ he had joked at his Lodge meeting.
            Emma suffers less of the burden of Eve for she has a bottle of the blessed Chloroform – named by no less a personage than Queen Victoria. As pain overwhelms she can soak a handkerchief to ensure bliss. A release for the household as she has no maidenly modesty on screaming.
            Not all was well. Dr Bodger looking at Emma’s face felt under the cloth to see if the mysteries of the body were permitting a birth or if he would have to use forceps. To his alarm, it was clear that the child’s life was in danger unless he acted to bring about the birth.
            Under the oak tree, another life was failing. Elijah awoke to find the moon risen making the cemetery and Church a silvery echo of its glory days. The tree breathed and fluttered and he found a silence within him that was the herald of his passing. Looking up at the face smiling from the tree, he cried out.
            Emma knowing, as women do, that life within was fading, struggled to assist. When the coldness of metal touched her, she knew a child was seeing the light of the world. But from the face of the doctor, she saw a tragedy was unfolding; in her agony, she looked at the Angels and cried out.
            Together they made a common plea to God of,
            ‘Do not forsake me; let not my life be in vain.’
            And in that moment of death, life renews, as a boy with stove-black eyes cries in the dark. 
            So now our tale ends, perhaps with the moral that love, rather than thrift, is the measure of God’s presence. But without thrift, have we a world we can love?